Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
