you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
