I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
