a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
