I met the friendliest cop last night
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
