Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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