Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
