I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
