I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We have started to decorate penises.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
