My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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