I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
