God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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