Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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