Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
