Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
