I can't breathe out the right side of my face
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
