so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
