My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
