I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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