I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
