Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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