i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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