Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
