My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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