just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
