I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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