your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
