It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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