I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
