In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
