I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
