And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
