Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
