so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
