Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
