i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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