Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
