I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
