just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
