Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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