did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
