Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
