You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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