I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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