I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just invented taco cereal.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
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