but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
