I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
