That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My ATM looks so different sober.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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