They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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