Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
