My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
